Hey healthy mamas!
Today I am going to be talking about something that so many of us go through and that may be a little heavier on the heart. I know I struggled with this and still do sometimes – perhaps you’re going through it right now or you know someone who is.
What I am talking about is the feeling of hopelessness that the worst will never end while we go through the process of getting divorced.
So divorce, like anything else, has multiple stages.
Early on, for most of us, there is a phase when you’ re sorting out parenting plans and asset division and support numbers and that sort of stuff. It’s during this time when everything can feel particularly heavy and challenging because there’s often conflict between you and your ex and it can be worse if it’s dragging on. It starts to feel like there’s no end in sight when the back and forth and disagreements and negotiations don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
As a divorced mom, you certainly have to face some of the most difficult times of your life.
Early on, every choice you have to make feels so heavy because you really don’t know what you’re doing. I mean, there are so many possible outcomes that could come out of your decisions and how they will impact you and your kids and your life going forward feels so stressful. This stage is a really hard one and what makes it worse, it usually immediately follows when you and your ex split. Talk about compounding stress with more stress.
I remember, especially early on, questioning every decision I had to make, doubting my thought processes, and feeling generally anxious about having to make all these life changing choices, mostly out of a fear of regretting what I ultimately chose.
If you’re like me, you worry that you haven’t thought of something, or that you missed a salient detail or maybe you even start descending into a rabbit hole of worst case scenarios for all the decisions you do make.
Just as I was, you are making huge decisions at a time in your life, this newly divorced time, when not only are in totally unchartered territory, but you’re navigating this territory while your emotions are running at all-time highs.
As a newly divorced mom, you need to figure stuff out like:
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- where you’re going to live
- how much money you need to make
- how to protect your kids as best you can
- how to divide up assets
- how you’re going to coparent with your ex
You may even be having to deal with mediators and lawyers and court dates – and you’re supposed to do all of this stuff while in this heightened emotional state!
You know that advice we’ve all heard a million times: don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry. It makes sense because if you do, your food decisions move away from the healthy produce section and into the indulgent cookie aisle …
Similarly, making big decisions during your divorce at a time when you’re particularly stressed and anxious is not a good idea. It makes you run the risk of not making decisions from a place of logic and careful consideration that are actually best for you and your family but rather from a place of reactivity and desperation.
But in a cruel twist of fate, you often don’t have a choice – a lot of these pivotal decisions HAVE to be made shortly after splitting up regardless of whether or not you are in an emotionally stable place.
And, honestly, the decisions can feel never-ending.
Every time you figure something out, five more things pop up. Or maybe, figuring things out takes way longer than it needs to because your ex just won’t agree or keeps moving the goal posts.
I remember feeling like this period of my life would never end.
It felt like an endless tunnel without any light at the end, making me feel stuck in the darkness of hopelessness. Talk about a headspace to make these hard decisions even harder.
So, how do you get through this?
How do you find the energy to get up every day and do it all over again: read more emails, have more negotiations and attend more meetings, all while meeting the emotional and physical needs of your kids?
How do you ground yourself when a life that has some semblance of equilibrium and peace feels entirely out of reach?
Well, I will share with you what I did, but first, I want to talk about something I read recently.
I have just finished reading The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Amazing writer btw – I highly recommend his books, particularly because he is a great storyteller and tells lot of them in his writing. I find the real life stories so inspiring and maybe you would too.
So, in The Power of Habit, Duhigg uses the story about NFL football coach, Tony Dungy, to illustrate many points about habits and coaching. I don’t know a ton about football, but I had definitely heard of Tony and know that he is an amazing coach.
But something I did not know about him, and Duhigg tells about in his book, is that in 2005, Tony’s son died by suicide at the age of 18. As I read this part, it hit me like a rock – I was just so overwhelmed with sadness for Tony and his family.
But what really struck me was the part Duhigg shared about what a chaplain said to Tony after he flew in to spend Christmas with the family the year his son died.
The chaplain said to them:
Life will never be the same again,
but you won’t always feel like you do right now.
Let those words sink in. Right now, during this phase of your life and your divorce, hear those words.
These words resonate so deeply with me and maybe they do for you too. What I love is the words honour the deep grief and pain that were undoubtedly saddling Tony and his family at that time, but simultaneously, they offer hope for a future without those feelings as they were then.
I have not felt the loss and grief that would come from losing a child as Tony did, but I can relate to how comforting those words must have been. They actually reminded me of a simple mantra I used to say to myself when I was falling into the desperation of hopelessness.
During those moments, and there were many, I would say to myself:
This too shall pass.
Now, I know this may sound too simple, so simple it almost makes you go, well of course it will, Sheryl. But, remember that is you cognitively responding to it in this moment as you listen to me. Consider it at the height of emotional charge, moments when you don’t think you can make one more decision … meet with one more lawyer … go to court one more time … or view one more possible apartment rental. This mantra can really help.
It honours your difficult feeling in the moment, then offers the comfort of the future when it will have passed.
When you need to get through another day, a day that feels a lot like yesterday did and feels a lot like what tomorrow will be, close your eyes, take a breath and say to yourself: this too shall pass.
It’s also something you could say to your kids when they are having big emotions.
Kids can often feel hopeless because they are kids and control very little. They live at the mercy of the adults around them and are still learning how to navigate tough stuff. You can’t always swoop in and fix all their problems and sweep away the difficult feelings they have but just sitting with them and offering them this mantra might be all they need to keep going forward.
Trust yourself and trust that this season of your divorce will pass.
Divorce can bring on so many emotions, particularly pain as we grieve the loss of the life we had and the future we thought would be, but remember, as the chaplain said, life will never be the same again, but you won’t always feel like you do right now.
Use these words to find comfort and a sense of groundedness and levelheadedness as you wake up once again tomorrow to take on another day, make the best choices you can and be the woman and mother you aspire to be. It will pass so don’t give up.
Have a wonderful day and a wonderful week, and remember: healthy moms raise healthy kids.